It's time that I admit that I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't intend that to sound negative, or defeated, or self-pitying. Its the honest truth. I have no concrete, definite idea what to do to heal my long time depression, build a satisfying life, and find happiness. I could spend the rest of my life listing the reasons why I am in this situation (and will certainly continue to contemplate them, if only because I rather enjoy doing so), but that wouldn't fix the problem.
Where do I go from here, if I know that I don't have the answers?
I know that it is not fashionable for a pagan to "let go and let god(dess)," but sometimes that is the only way. It's time for me to stop struggling blindly and to admit that I am lost. Insisting that I am following a path when I am really wandering blindly doesn't do me (or anybody else) any favors. I am lost. When lost, you need a compass. If I sit down, let myself be still, and sink deeply into my core, I will find the answers. I know that Spirit will guide me as I travel towards myself.
In a week, I will be going to Arizona for the first time. Between now and then I hope to center myself enough that this trip can be something of a pilgrimage of the soul. The Southwest is as far from my comfort zone as I can imagine: the perfect surroundings in which to surrender myself to myself. And while the answers may be inside, sometimes different surroundings can help to illuminate them.
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3 comments:
Dearest, are you on medication? I know, from personal experience, how desirable it is to try to beat depression "naturally," with exercise, sunlight, vitamins, a positive attitude, sucking it up, whatever. Well, hell with that. I went on Prozac and it brought back the real Me. I don't plan to be on it forever... but until I can face each day without crippling rage or without treating my family like dirt, I will continue to take it. Please, please, please don't feel like you're alone. Whether you're on meds or not, there is hope! You can and will feel better. Please email me if you want to discuss this further, more privately. Blessings!
maidenelf7@yahoo.com
maidenelf - yes, I am on medication, which has helped a great deal. It's just that I feel like I've been stuck at the same point, in between deeply depressed and entirely well, for too long. I need to figure out how to change my habits to get all the way there. I'm sure you know how difficult that can seem! :-)
Yes, I do indeed know. And it's nice to know that others are out there who are making the same, difficult journey. I know that adding more exercise (okay, adding _any_ exercise!) would help me a lot. I need to get off my duff and do that! And as spring returns, I know I'll feel better cuz I'll get outside more often and get my hands in the dirt. What do you do that makes you feel better?
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