Back in the Saddle

After not doing much of anything spiritual for a month, I attended shamanic circle on Friday. It was really great to be engaging spiritually again, and I had two interesting and productive journeys.

First, we did a group journey on travel and transitions (those being common themes for the 5 people present this week). When I arrived in my usual starting location -- a clearing behind a river and in front of a large tree, a most unexpected figure stepped out from behind the tree: The Wild God, a green man figure with antlers. I haven't worked with him in ages, but apparently he is still interested in me. As we walked further into the woods, he began to talk.

In winter, I am Lord of the Animals; in summer, Lord of the Vegetation. But in each aspect I carry the other within me. So too do you carry all of your identities within you, no matter what you are engaged with. You would do well to remind yourself of them. Not only do you carry your past identities, but also future.

He then suggested that I allow the sound of the drumming to vibrate through me and carry away anything not belonging to me. So I spent the last five minutes or so lying in a forest in the Underworld, letting the drumming from the physical world flow through me. It was quite healing.

The second journey of the evening was individual. I have recently started taking a writing class, and have been struggling for sometime with the proper role of writing in my life. Do I even want to write anymore, or is it just a leftover dream that no longer resonates for me? Does it matter if I am never published? What do I actually need from writing? So I journeyed on that question. Though it was an interesting and fruitful journey, I didn't receive much in the way of productive advice. I was led to an animal ally who is interested in assisting me though, and she suggested that a good first step would be to set up my creativity altar again. I am in the process of doing so. The first step was clearing all of the junk off of the space that it was previously in!

So tired

From Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology for this week:

CANCER (June 21-July 22): "His heart was growing full of broken wings and artificial flowers," wrote poet Federico Garcia Lorca. "In his mouth, just one small word was left." There were times during the first half of June when I was tempted to borrow those words to describe you, Cancerian. Now, thankfully, you're moving into a much brighter phase. The buds that are about to bloom in your heart are very much alive, not artificial, and your wings, while not fully restored to strength, are healing. Meanwhile, your mouth is even now being replenished with a fresh supply of many vivid words.

With luck, I will soon find the time and energy to not only update one or both of my blogs, but to have done something worth writing about.

Some weeks just aren't very spiritual....

Since starting my new temp job, I have not done a single spiritual activity beyond my morning devotions. Zilch. Nada. Nothin' at all. I'm not happy about this, but am trying to put it into perspective. I've had a major change in my schedule, which is obviously going to shake things up a bit, and I am currently deeply involved in several craft projects and in biking, which means that my limited time is going to end up funneled into those activities, but I still feel like a failure for slacking off so much with the spiritual pursuits. To remedy this, I am going to try to set up another daily ritual. My new pattern for when I get home from work will be to eat a snack and then sit down at my altar to meditate briefly. That should be open ended enough to let me adjust for my needs yet concrete enough to get me to sit down and do it.

That said, it looks like I may not have much to say here for the next month. If you want to keep up with me, I suggest taking a look at my other blog, Long and Crafty Road. Since I'm in a serious crafting phase, it seems like I may have more to say over there.

Pronoia and a new job

My experiment in incubating ideas was a success. I spent an hour on Monday sitting outside thinking, and came up with a good idea for how to fit all of my interests into a limited amount of time. Which is good, because I will be rejoining the ranks of the employed, at least until June 30. Considering all of my side projects, time may be tight during that period, but I think it'll all be ok.

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I've been thinking about the idea of pronoia lately. A term coined by Rob Brezsny, it is the opposite of paranoia (the belief that the world is out to get you) and refers to the idea that the world is actually conspiring to shower you with blessings. On the surface, this doesn't seem like a revolutionary idea - he is far from the first person to suggest that the world is a good place and that universe (or God) is looking after you. But it's more than that, or maybe his book on the subject is just the first thing that has inspired me to think deeply about it. If I am practicing pronoia, then I don't have to constantly analyze every decision. If circumstances lead me to a situation (say, this new job), and I accept it, then clearly it is a good thing for me. And had I chosen not to accept it, then other opportunities would have presented themselves. It means that there was no wrong decision -- each fork simply offers different gifts.

I expect some people to say that this a cop-out. After all, isn't that abdicating responsibility? But I don't think it is. At least not the way in which I mean it. I'm still responsible for my choices, but this philosophy states that on the whole those choices will bring me more blessings than curses. I think it's more a state of mind than anything else -- if I expect to see blessings as a result of my choices, then that is what I will see. If, on the other hand, I give in to my natural temptations towards over thinking, I will always pick things apart and see the bad.

Life is fundamentally good. Most opportunities do bring blessings. Heck, most *days* bring blessings, if you both to look for them. Why not focus on that?

Divine Inspiration

In high school my teachers always told us that we should start our assignments early, because you couldn't sit around waiting for divine inspiration to strike. In college, I proved them wrong.

Whenever I had a paper assigned and no idea what to write about I would gather together all of the relevant books, plus my notebook for that class, and spend an evening at the library. Once there, I walked up to the second floor and sat down in one of the easy chairs facing the giant windows and pulled up footstool. I made a neat pile of the books next to me, and then started to think.

I didn't think about the paper, or even the class. I just stared outside as dusk faded into dark and let my mind wander wherever it would. Within two or three hours I would not only have an idea for the paper, but a fully written introduction and conclusion which I couldn't get onto paper fast enough, as well as a rough outline for the rest of the paper. These were invariably my best essays.

In retrospect, I think that this was a form of magic. The books and paper set my intention, and I placed myself in an area free of distractions in which I could let my mind wander until the desired end was conjured up from the ether. By setting an intention and letting my mind drift, I had my best ideas. But how do I apply this to life outside of school? I was clearly onto something, at least about how my mind works. If I spent more undirected time away from the distractions of books and the internet, would I be able to come up with brilliant solutions to my problems, or does it just work for writing? And even if it does only work for writing, why am I not using it for that, at least?

This is my new goal for the coming week: two allocate time for at least 2 such sessions, one for writing and one for solving a problem. If possible, I'll fit in a third for a craft related project. And I'll report on my results back here! With luck, at least one of them will work and I'll have a better idea of how I can effectively use this technique in the future.

Keeping House

Upon the urgings of a tree spirit I recently began working with, I have turned my attention to a new and perhaps unusual spiritual pursuit: keeping house. I've always known that tending the hearth could be taken a spiritual activity, have even been tempted to look into it, but my inherent antipathy towards cleaning and ennui in regards to clutter kept me from giving it a try. Now I'm being told to try.

Cleaning with intention does seem to help me somewhat. Thus far my intention is very simply to make our home a more comfortable place for my husband. He is much more sensitive to clutter and mess, but I am the one with more free time. It's so easy for me to ignore the messes that I honestly don't see them, but he does, and that's not fair. So I'm trying. And it really has been easier to see the clutter since I took this up. I'm still not very good at cleaning, but I'm getting better.

Eventually, I think I would like to try to incorporate more complicated intentions, such as cleansing the house of negativity while I clean or infusing it love, or perhaps just add more ritual to the activities. But for now I will focus on straightening up as a way to take care of my husband. I think that's enough for now.

Beltaine 2009

Last year, I had trouble connecting to the energy of Beltaine. I thought that I needed to be in a passionate fervor, and it just wasn't happening. This year I am also lacking in energetic enthusiasm, but I feel Beltaine around me and through me nonetheless. It's a gentle sort of energy, loving and enveloping without being insistent or cloying. No demands, just the offer of love and support. I didn't know that Beltaine could have this sort of energy, but I suppose it makes sense. Sex isn't just about wild animal passion. It encompasses tender lovemaking as much as monkey lovin'.

I just had a quiet ritual on the wet concrete of my backyard, surrounded by overgrown gardens, chattering birds, and the caress of gentle breezes. A loving voice told me that I am held back by my fear -- a fear of not being worthy and of not fully engaging in life. That is why I feel unworthy and why I do not fully engage in life. Complex and circular, but ultimately true. The only solution is to take baby steps. And that is why Beltaine is quiet for me; because I need support in order to grow right now, and not a wild dance of color and light. There will be plenty of time for that later.

May you all be blessed by a wonderful Beltaine!

Bi-annual Moving of the Altar

Today was my bi-annual moving of the altar. I decreed that it is finally reliably nice enough out for my altar to go into the enclosed front porch. It's so much nicer than having it indoors; I can see the moon at night, hear the outside noises, and feel a bit more isolated from the mundane concerns of my apartment. I would love to keep it out there year round, but it just gets too cold.

Although I've done this move a few times already, this was a day of firsts. Before dragging the altar table out there, I actually vacuumed! I never think to vacuum, but the carpet out there was covered in splintered wood, embroidery threads, and a random pile of dirt, and I thought that my altar deserved better than that. Once the table was situated and I began ferrying supplies, I embarked upon another shocking departure from tradition. As I placed the central item of my altar -- what I consider to be the heart of the altar and which I always place in the center before I move anything else over -- it just didn't feel right. So I took the two necklaces that drape over said item and used them to demarkate specific areas. One now surrounds the central pentacle, and the other has my representation of Freya within it's circle. This represents part of the most radical redesign of my altar in years. I made a few changes following Twilight Covening this autumn, but this is far more involved. I'll try to take a picture to show you all of the differences.

While moving altar items over, I saw that I had been careless with my cauldron and not cleaned it out after it's last use, so I took it into the kitchen to wipe the sooty remains of some long forgotten ritual from it. Except that the remains weren't budging. I suddenly remembered that I had used the cauldron twice without cleaning it out, which I never do. It really shows how careless I had become about spirituality. Because I burn an herb mixture coated in wax, the double use had fused the older remains to the bottom of the cauldron. To get it clean I set it down in a pot of boiling water until enough of the wax had melted that I could easily wipe it clean. This is probably the cleanest it's been in years! I hope I never let it get that bad again. And it was so hot when I took it out that the water immediately evaporated from the cast iron, which is convenient - I'd been worried about it rusting if I didn't get it dry quickly.

In a little while, I will sit down for the first time at my newly redesigned, newly relocated altar to perform a new moon ritual.

Picking Up the Trash

I love sunny days. Here in New England it feels like we get precious few of them, so I try to cherish those that I can by spending time outside, preferable on the local conservation land.

I was happy to be able to ride my 5-speed bicycle. My husband has been slowly renovating it, and it's not quite ready for large, steep hills yet, but the conservation area isn't far. It's so much more fun to ride than my regular hybrid frame! I'm amused that my "new" bike is actually older than I am (it's a Raleigh Superbe from the 70's), but it's really perfect for me.

Once I had locked my bike up and started walking down the path I saw garbage absolutely everywhere, and berated myself for not thinking to bring a bag to pick trash up. I used to be in the habit of always doing that -- heck, in collage that was one of my favorite things to do! Some friends and I would go into the woods on our campus and pick up as much of the trash left by generations of frat boys as we could. We considered it something of a spiritual act - giving back to the land and all that. After 9/11, we worked for some sort of peace by cleaning up the woods with intention. It's a time honored task -- not only does it provide a public service (cleaner wooded areas), but it also forces me to pay more attention to the land, rather than letting myself get lost in my own thoughts.

Lucky for me, it didn't take long before I found a discarded plastic grocery bag, and I began collecting trash. Most of it was the standard assortment of plastic wrappers from junk food, cans and bottles, but I was surprised to find an old rusted screwdriver.

I spent some time sitting by the waterfall, which is a favorite spot of mine. There's a rocky ledge halfway down that can be gotten to pretty easily if you don't mind straying from the path, and from there the roar of the water drowns out the nearby cars (it's not a large conservation area). I love watching the water rushing down and into the meandering stream below. I spent quite some time communing with the land there.

I disposed of most of the collected trash before leaving, but as there was not a separate recycling container I decided to ride home with a doubled up plastic bag full of broken glass bottles and cans dangling from my handlebars. Probably not my best idea, but it seemed wrong to go through all that trouble to clean the woods up and then not recycled what could be recycled.

Not dead, only hibernating

Ok, so maybe hibernating is a strong word for it, but I have been rather distracted for awhile now, both from spiritual pursuits in general and this blog in particular. Some of that was mid-winter depression (which is still hanging around), some genuine busy-ness, and some the simple fact that I am easily distracted, even from things that are important to me.

That said, I am back now. A few weeks ago, a friend mentioned that a faery seership program would likely be starting up in my area soon (well, soon-ish. Someday, at any rate). I happen to have heard the figure in question speak a few years ago, and purchased his book. At the time, I wasn't sure what I thought of him -- his words were compelling, but I had some misgivings. Reading his book didn't help me clarify my feelings, and I had completely forgotten about him. With my friend's news, however, I decided to go back and look at the book again, to see if the intervening 2-3 years might have changed how I responded. And they had -- now I am fairly certain that I am interested in this program. I still find some of his assertions questionable, but I think that his teachings on the whole are likely a good fit for me. In the meantime, I am rereading his first book and actually doing the exercises. This is a rare thing for me! I know that you don't get as much out of a pagan book without doing those, but I rarely manage it. But this time I'm really doing them! I'm finding that not reading the whole book at once helps -- by not getting too far ahead of the last exercise I did, I seem to be more able to keep up.

I'm feeling good about the work I've been doing. I think that early spring is an excellent time for it. Many of the practices need to be done outside, and right now it is just getting to be nice again. And the atmosphere of fledgling growth is a pleasant one to work in, especially while I'm working through yet another bout of depression.