Can I never take the easy way? Obviously not.

I hope that in my last post I did not give the impression that my battle with the depression demons was over. While things are looking much better, I'm still struggling with the ennui that comes with these episodes. I intermittently feel like my head has been replaced by cotton candy and my motivation kidnapped and taken to Guam.

Case in point: for the past five years I have traditionally observed "pagan lent," meaning that I give something (generally a food item) up between Samhain and Yule. I usually obsess over the decision of what to give up for most of October. This year I completely forgot. I honestly didn't remember the practice until today, when it is too late to start something. I'm not sure what to do about this. On the one hand, Pagan Lent is a practice that makes me feel closer to my spirituality, which is something I could use right now. On the other hand, I've already missed five days and don't have any idea of what to give up this year. Maybe the right thing for me to do is to focus on getting myself better? With the new light box I feel like I might have a chance of making it through the dark season with a modicum of grace. And I'm not exactly a useful conduit for spirit when I'm feeling broken inside. Perhaps the best offering I could make right now would be to start putting aside the habitual trappings of depression and making myself healthier. Though honestly, giving up salty snack food would be a whole lot easier....

If that is the case (and I feel that it very well may be), I need to figure out what concrete steps I should be taking. Do I set up a daily schedule for myself to be more productive? Install moments throughout the day to recharge myself? Yes, and yes. This is going to be a hell of a lot harder than I would like, but if it works it will also be a hell of a lot more rewarding.

October: a mixed bag

This past month has been mixed, spiritually speaking. I was hit hard by the depression demons, which was rough, but had the benefit of helping me to realize that there is a major seasonal component to my depression. This motivated me to buy a light box, which has helped enormously. I'm still feeling somewhat sluggish, but am feeling significantly better than I did even a two weeks ago! But struggling with mental health issues does not really lead to in-depth spiritual practice, contrary to certain popular ideas.

On the upside, the month of October included Twilight Covening. This year was not as intense an experience for me as last year, but I think that the energy ran just as deep, if not deeper, and that the coming year will be productive. It seems that my work for this year is to step up into having a more fully participatory role in a number of areas of my life, and that can only be a good thing.

And because it would be remiss of me not to mention Samhain, the most popular of all pagan holidays, I will mention that I attended Earthspirit's Open Samhain East on Saturday, that it was as deep and rich as I have come to expect (anticipate?) from their rituals. It was the perfect way for me to observe the latest turning of the wheel.

"Unrest" by Don Marquis

There is a (completely non-required) book that goes along with the Faery Seership program I've been talking about. My copy arrived in the mail this morning, and I am in love with the poem which was chosen to open the whole thing. I've reread it 3 times already, and I get chills every time.

Here it is: "Unrest" by Don Marquis (1878-1937)

A fierce unrest seethes at the core
Of all existing things:
It was the eager wish to soar
That gave the gods their wings.

From what flat wastes of cosmic slime,
And stung by what quick fire,
Sunward the restless races climb!--
Men risen out of mire!

There throbs through all the worlds that are
This heart-beat hot and strong,
And shaken systems, star by star,
Awake and glow in song.

But for the urge of this unrest
These joyous spheres were mute;
But for the rebel in his breast
Had man remained a brute.

When baffled lips demanded speech,
Speech trembled into birth--
(One day the lyric world shall reach
From earth to laughing earth)--
When man's dim eyes demanded light
The light he sought was born--
His wish, a Titan, scaled the height
And flung him back the morn!

From deed to dream, from dream to deed,
From daring hope to hope,
The restless wish, the instant need,
Still lashed him up the slope!

I sing no governed firmament,
Cold, ordered, regular--
I sing the stinging discontent
That leaps from star to star!

Do you feel the power in that?

Faery Seership 1

As it turns out, the spiritual ennui which I complained about in my last post was not accidental. It was my spirit clearing the way to embrace something new. I'm sure that I will pick up pieces of my old daily practice eventually, but for now I am free to throw myself whole heartedly into a new system of practice.

You see, this week-end I completed the first intensive of the faery seership program I posted about in April. It was a great experience and has left me with a plethora of new tools to learn and work with.

For the last several years I have had a fairly consistent Mabon ritual. I did not perform that ritual today. Instead, I took the most important part (offering up seasonal foods) and kept that. I placed the offering at the base of the apple tree which has shown interest in me this past season. Then I performed several of the techniques which I learned this week-end, which are designed to help one to attune to the elemental forces of the land. It was a good experience and left me feeling energized and open. I'm very excited about this new direction!

Daily Practice Ennui

I would like to blame my lack of spiritual pursuits (and thus my absence from this blog) on the construction which forced me to dismantle my altar for nearly a month. However, that is just an excuse. I could have set it up again in my living room, but I didn't. And even now that my front porch is open again and my altar has been restored to its rightful position I'm still not doing much of anything.

It's been tough even to motivate to do my morning devotions, which is surprising. I usually find them very rewarding, but lately they've been leaving me feeling flat and empty. I don't feel depressed, so I have to guess that the problem is simply that this routine no longer works for me. I'm sad, but I'll just have to find a new morning practice that does work for me, where I am right now.

I did acquire a new tarot deck recently (the Paulina Tarot: check it out!) of which I have grown intensely fond in the past week or so. Perhaps I should look to it for guidance on this issue, or integrate it into my new morning practice. I've always wanted to try pulling a rune a day, but never got around to it. Maybe I should do a rune and a tarot card? I'll see what presents itself in the morning.

The runes, they guide me well today

It's amazing how calming an accurate divination can be. I was stressed about an upcoming vacation, plans with friends, my etsy store, and 42 million other things that were pulling me in a million directions and had me running around like a crazy person. Then I stalked out to my altar and pulled runes, asking "What do I need to focus on today?"

The result:
Nauthiz: rune of constraint, necessity, hardship
Gebo: rune of partnership, gifts
Thurisaz: run of conflict, challenge, self discipline

My interpretation:
While it's not a cheery bunch of runes, it does help me to focus. Nauthiz and Thurisaz tell me that I need to eliminate the things that are not necessary right this minute, no matter how tempting, and focus on what must be done. I'm not quite sure what Gebo is telling me in this context. Possibly, it is just reminding me that if I want to get anything out of a situation/opportunity, I must first put an equal amount into it.

Although it's not an upbeat reading, it is certainly what I needed to hear, because I'm feeling much more focused and calm. Has anybody else had a similar experience with divination?

Creativity Altar

I mentioned in my last post that the first condition which was placed on me for getting some spirit help with my writing was that I redo my creativity altar. I originally set this up a couple of years ago on the top shelf of the tower that holds my computer, but I dismantled it in favor of Yule decorations. Once Yule was over (and I finally decided to take down the decorations -- they were pretty!), the space ended up covered in random tidbits before I could set the altar up again.

Well, over the week-end I finally got it set up again! The figurine (which I probably should have dusted) represents my creative spirit. See how she's holding a book and dressed partially in flower petals? The sunflowers -- one fake and one dried -- are there because I have always found sunflowers to be magnificent expressions of joy and the creative spirit. The lavender plaque contains a hilariously bad invocation of the muse which I created, and the quartz point is there because it seemed to belong there.

I would like to use a tea light powered oil diffuser instead of the candle, but this will do until I find one which is suitable. If I find a diffuser with a bear theme, that would be ideal, but I want to stay open to whatever the universe sees fit to send my way.

Back in the Saddle

After not doing much of anything spiritual for a month, I attended shamanic circle on Friday. It was really great to be engaging spiritually again, and I had two interesting and productive journeys.

First, we did a group journey on travel and transitions (those being common themes for the 5 people present this week). When I arrived in my usual starting location -- a clearing behind a river and in front of a large tree, a most unexpected figure stepped out from behind the tree: The Wild God, a green man figure with antlers. I haven't worked with him in ages, but apparently he is still interested in me. As we walked further into the woods, he began to talk.

In winter, I am Lord of the Animals; in summer, Lord of the Vegetation. But in each aspect I carry the other within me. So too do you carry all of your identities within you, no matter what you are engaged with. You would do well to remind yourself of them. Not only do you carry your past identities, but also future.

He then suggested that I allow the sound of the drumming to vibrate through me and carry away anything not belonging to me. So I spent the last five minutes or so lying in a forest in the Underworld, letting the drumming from the physical world flow through me. It was quite healing.

The second journey of the evening was individual. I have recently started taking a writing class, and have been struggling for sometime with the proper role of writing in my life. Do I even want to write anymore, or is it just a leftover dream that no longer resonates for me? Does it matter if I am never published? What do I actually need from writing? So I journeyed on that question. Though it was an interesting and fruitful journey, I didn't receive much in the way of productive advice. I was led to an animal ally who is interested in assisting me though, and she suggested that a good first step would be to set up my creativity altar again. I am in the process of doing so. The first step was clearing all of the junk off of the space that it was previously in!

So tired

From Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology for this week:

CANCER (June 21-July 22): "His heart was growing full of broken wings and artificial flowers," wrote poet Federico Garcia Lorca. "In his mouth, just one small word was left." There were times during the first half of June when I was tempted to borrow those words to describe you, Cancerian. Now, thankfully, you're moving into a much brighter phase. The buds that are about to bloom in your heart are very much alive, not artificial, and your wings, while not fully restored to strength, are healing. Meanwhile, your mouth is even now being replenished with a fresh supply of many vivid words.

With luck, I will soon find the time and energy to not only update one or both of my blogs, but to have done something worth writing about.

Some weeks just aren't very spiritual....

Since starting my new temp job, I have not done a single spiritual activity beyond my morning devotions. Zilch. Nada. Nothin' at all. I'm not happy about this, but am trying to put it into perspective. I've had a major change in my schedule, which is obviously going to shake things up a bit, and I am currently deeply involved in several craft projects and in biking, which means that my limited time is going to end up funneled into those activities, but I still feel like a failure for slacking off so much with the spiritual pursuits. To remedy this, I am going to try to set up another daily ritual. My new pattern for when I get home from work will be to eat a snack and then sit down at my altar to meditate briefly. That should be open ended enough to let me adjust for my needs yet concrete enough to get me to sit down and do it.

That said, it looks like I may not have much to say here for the next month. If you want to keep up with me, I suggest taking a look at my other blog, Long and Crafty Road. Since I'm in a serious crafting phase, it seems like I may have more to say over there.