January 2009 New Moon

I'm feeling a bit better, depression wise -- fish oil and making sure to get 20 minutes of prime sunlight a day seem to be making a difference, amazingly enough. I was not terribly optimistic about them, and really thought that I would have to switch antidepressants yet again. I'm glad I listened to my gut and tried these first! That said, I'm still not exactly filled with feelings of joy and well being. Alas, alack.

I did manage to a new moon house cleansing, the first since Sacred Susie's group cleanse in November. It followed almost exactly the same format as last time (you can read more about that cleanse here), except that I skipped the sun water. Since I'm not feeling terribly sunny myself*, I doubted my ability to imbue the apartment with that kind of energy. The extent to which simply smelling the sage smoke brings me back to a centered state surprised me. I knew that the sage smoke had some effect on me, but this more profound than I had realized. It's nice to know.

Do any of you have regular spiritual cleansings (of your home or your person), gentle readers?

*I've actually taken to visualizing myself bathed in sunlight every morning when I do my daily ritual, in order to combat that problem

Depression owns my ass

Depression has been kicking my ass these past weeks, and I haven't had the energy to do much of anything, including spiritual pursuits. Even though I know that spending time at my altar would likely help, it's hard to force myself to do it. That said, I did manage to do some journeying today and consult my spirit guides. I spoke with Bactrian Camel, who offered to help me through rough patches, and s/he was welcoming and open to renewing our relationship. I know that I would do well to try to have some contact with my spirit friends every day, particularly during this dark time. I'll do the best I can -- even if I can't manage daily contact.

Lights in the dark

Lights in the dark. That's the heart of our seasonal celebrations, and that's why I feel that our festivities are ill-timed. The solstice may be the longest night, but I'm not sure that it's the darkest. The colder it gets, the darker darkness becomes, and we won't reach the coldest part of winter for at least another handfull of weeks. That's why I feel that the entire period between the solstice and Imbolc (at least) should be dedicated to lights. Big lights, small lights, twinkly lights, steady beacons of light -- we need them now.

I particularly need them. My depression is rearing its ugly tentacles again, and lights in the dark are all that I have to keep me going. Lights in the dark may not make the darkness go away, but they give us hope. They give me hope, something to tie a string around to carry me through the night. And I need that. My soul weeps for some light, some hope, but I can't find any in myself right now. All I can do is try to set my internal rudder by the compass of those lights which I can find outside. For that reason, I think I will try to leave up those Yule decorations which give off light. Perhaps bringing more lights into my living space will help.

There are metaphorical lights in the dark, too: my husband, music (and singing along therewith), any crafting I can manage. Creating things always serves to shed light, but it is difficult to draw forth from myself anything that feels worthwhile when I can't seem to find anything worthwhile inside myself. Dragging anything up from the depths when I feel like this is like pouring molasses -- sticky and slow and I'm not sure if I'll ever be clean again when I'm done. But in the end, it's worth it. Without molasses you can't make gingerbread cookies, and without excavating beauty from the depression, how can I ever make sense of it to find my way out again?