Struggles of the Spirit, Part 1

Last week I went to my local library in search of some spiritual autobiographies. There's nothing better than reading the words of someone who has come before, struggled with the same problems we all face, and recorded that process for the rest of us. I learn more about how to live from one book of reading personal essays than from ten so-called self-help books.

The problem is, there don't seem to be any by pagans. I'm sure that I'm wrong, and that there a few out there, but the problem still stands; we as a religion are not creating that literature of the heart. My dream is to someday help fill that hole, but in the meantime, I need something to read. Thus, I find myself reading the works of Madeleine L'Engle and Anne Lamott, both devout Christians. However much the particulars of our religions differ, their words still ring true for me, and I am immensely grateful for that. But it has led me to wonder why I make things so much more difficult for myself by adhering to such a young, marginal religion.

I'm not one of those pagans who hates Christianity. In fact, I think it is a beautiful religion, filled with rich truth. But it is not my truth. When I look at the world I perceive a great unifying spirit, yes, but also countless others, all derived from the same source yet each independent and unique. And while I sense the power and mystery behind that Great Spirit, I cannot relate to it. I'm not even sure that it has a consciousness, as such, or if that Great Spirit is simply the force that flows through all of creation, be it human, tree, or deity. I suspect that one of the goals of meditation is to quiet yourself until you can feel that resonance that connects you to everything else..... but that's about the only way you can directly relate to something that large and amorphous. I need something more personal.

I need something more physical, too. If I sense the sacred in the trees and the air, in the ocean and in candle flame, then are those not sacred as well? I can not bring myself to believe that this life is just a trial, a practice session for something else. Life itself, with all of it's physicality and messiness, is the great gift of spirit.

Truthfully, I don't think I could follow any organized religion. I seem to have a deep need to discover the mysteries in my own way. That doesn't mean I won't or can't learn from others, but I could not let someone else explore for me, and then expect me to take their word about what they found. I have to forge ahead on my own, and I have rarely found myself on the well-trodden and accepted paths. Though I admit that I sometimes envy those who do; it must make life so much easier.

All of these arguments are moot, of course. I am pagan because that is my path, and I am not Christian because it is not my path. Neither is better than the other, and each are beautiful. I just wish that more people would write about the struggles of life from the perspective of paganism. If paganism can even be said to have one perspective..... but that is a topic for another post.