I don't think I have ever felt less spiritual than I do right now. After a really rough week, I went to the New Moon ritual Friday night. I expected that it would recharge my empty spirit, but I was very wrong. The main part of the monthly ritual is divination. Through the runes, I was told that I must find the strength to guide my path towards my spirit's home.... and it was just too much for me to bear. I don't know why. That should be a cheering thought. But instead I feel like I've been handed a work sentence with no end in sight. Why? Is it because it is terribly difficult to find that kind of strength? Is it because I want nothing more than to be able to sit back and rest in the arms of the mother for a while longer? But spring is the time of growth.... and growth is work. Growth is risk and vulnerability and pain. Growth is responsibility. And it would seem that growth is what I am most afraid of right now.
I want an instruction manual. I want to know that I'm doing the right thing, making the right choices. I want to be guaranteed success. But that's not growth, is it? That's the opposite of growth, in fact. And that isn't what I need. It may be what I want.... but it's not what I need. So it's not what I'm going to get.
What's the Anais Nin quote? "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " I suppose I had best get used to that thought, as it is to be my new mantra.
Nothing for it but to take a deep breath.....
and dive.
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2 comments:
Oh, this post got me. I can sense where you are right now. It's hard, I know. We always want to be in sync with the seasons and when we're not, we're fighting the universe in a way. I think the energy of spring will find you and eventually guide you. I personally wouldn't try to force it, just allowed yourself to open up to the possibility.
We're on this adventure without a map. A big part of me knows that had I known how much I would hate life here, I would never have made this leap. But making blind jumps is important, even when you land in a pile of muddy snow. It just prepares you for the next leap of faith. Although I personally need to recuperate, LOL. I hope you find your answers soon.
I was thinking of that quote before you mentioned it. And the dark moon is introspective and not really a time for happy refreshing things exactly, more inner work. And inner work can be very hard sometimes and something you want to avoid but take it slow and the new and brighter things will come I think!
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