Spring and the Well of Inspiration

This week-end, I finally moved my altar back onto the front porch. I had meant to do that around Beltane, but time and circumstances and ennui got the better of me. I know that I letting myself slide on my spiritual practice -- one of the few things that I know of that truly nourishes me -- is always a bad idea, but sometimes it can be very hard to do what you know is right. Frustrating, but true. But I've finally done it. And I feel so much better! I'm still feeling a bit stuck, but I think that's more because I keep expecting my life to function like the seasons, where one day all you see are bare branches with a hint of buds, and seemingly in the blink of an eye you are surrounded by verdant foliage singing out it's joy. My spirit does not work like that, no matter how much I may wish otherwise. Or rather, when it does, I find myself back where I started within a week.

I find myself separated from nourishment. Which is odd, because I honestly have enough time. I just don't seem to be able to use it properly of late. The well of inspiration is dry, and while it does occasionally catch the run off from a rainstorm, it has no source of it's own. And that is no way to live.

I've been thinking about why this has happened, and I think it goes back to fear. Quite simply, the decision to be happy is not as simple as it sounds. It involves taking the initiative and taking responsibility for something that isn't easy. It's much safer to remain quietly miserable than to take the risks necessary to secure joy.

I know I've been writing about this seemingly forever, but it's been incredibly hard for me to take the steps necessary. To even figure out concretely what those steps might be. Years of depression stemming from a need to be perfect make it difficult to step out of the mire and into the stars. What if I make a mistake? What if I can't do it (whatever it might be)? What if I'm just not good enough to follow my dreams? And that's really the problem -- I can't feel that I'm good enough until I've refilled that well, but I can't access inspiration until I know that I am good enough.

I know there's a solution. I know that I just need to step out my door and pluck joy like a ripe apple from the tree of life. That task is easier said than done, but this is the time to do it. Now, when the sky is a clear blue and trees are filled with green. Now, while life is renewing itself. Now is the time to take that first step!