I don't think I have ever felt less spiritual than I do right now. After a really rough week, I went to the New Moon ritual Friday night. I expected that it would recharge my empty spirit, but I was very wrong. The main part of the monthly ritual is divination. Through the runes, I was told that I must find the strength to guide my path towards my spirit's home.... and it was just too much for me to bear. I don't know why. That should be a cheering thought. But instead I feel like I've been handed a work sentence with no end in sight. Why? Is it because it is terribly difficult to find that kind of strength? Is it because I want nothing more than to be able to sit back and rest in the arms of the mother for a while longer? But spring is the time of growth.... and growth is work. Growth is risk and vulnerability and pain. Growth is responsibility. And it would seem that growth is what I am most afraid of right now.
I want an instruction manual. I want to know that I'm doing the right thing, making the right choices. I want to be guaranteed success. But that's not growth, is it? That's the opposite of growth, in fact. And that isn't what I need. It may be what I want.... but it's not what I need. So it's not what I'm going to get.
What's the Anais Nin quote? "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " I suppose I had best get used to that thought, as it is to be my new mantra.
Nothing for it but to take a deep breath.....
and dive.
