I'm feeling a bit better, depression wise -- fish oil and making sure to get 20 minutes of prime sunlight a day seem to be making a difference, amazingly enough. I was not terribly optimistic about them, and really thought that I would have to switch antidepressants yet again. I'm glad I listened to my gut and tried these first! That said, I'm still not exactly filled with feelings of joy and well being. Alas, alack.
I did manage to a new moon house cleansing, the first since Sacred Susie's group cleanse in November. It followed almost exactly the same format as last time (you can read more about that cleanse here), except that I skipped the sun water. Since I'm not feeling terribly sunny myself*, I doubted my ability to imbue the apartment with that kind of energy. The extent to which simply smelling the sage smoke brings me back to a centered state surprised me. I knew that the sage smoke had some effect on me, but this more profound than I had realized. It's nice to know.
Do any of you have regular spiritual cleansings (of your home or your person), gentle readers?
*I've actually taken to visualizing myself bathed in sunlight every morning when I do my daily ritual, in order to combat that problem
Monday, January 26, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Depression owns my ass
Depression has been kicking my ass these past weeks, and I haven't had the energy to do much of anything, including spiritual pursuits. Even though I know that spending time at my altar would likely help, it's hard to force myself to do it. That said, I did manage to do some journeying today and consult my spirit guides. I spoke with Bactrian Camel, who offered to help me through rough patches, and s/he was welcoming and open to renewing our relationship. I know that I would do well to try to have some contact with my spirit friends every day, particularly during this dark time. I'll do the best I can -- even if I can't manage daily contact.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Lights in the dark
Lights in the dark. That's the heart of our seasonal celebrations, and that's why I feel that our festivities are ill-timed. The solstice may be the longest night, but I'm not sure that it's the darkest. The colder it gets, the darker darkness becomes, and we won't reach the coldest part of winter for at least another handfull of weeks. That's why I feel that the entire period between the solstice and Imbolc (at least) should be dedicated to lights. Big lights, small lights, twinkly lights, steady beacons of light -- we need them now.
I particularly need them. My depression is rearing its ugly tentacles again, and lights in the dark are all that I have to keep me going. Lights in the dark may not make the darkness go away, but they give us hope. They give me hope, something to tie a string around to carry me through the night. And I need that. My soul weeps for some light, some hope, but I can't find any in myself right now. All I can do is try to set my internal rudder by the compass of those lights which I can find outside. For that reason, I think I will try to leave up those Yule decorations which give off light. Perhaps bringing more lights into my living space will help.
There are metaphorical lights in the dark, too: my husband, music (and singing along therewith), any crafting I can manage. Creating things always serves to shed light, but it is difficult to draw forth from myself anything that feels worthwhile when I can't seem to find anything worthwhile inside myself. Dragging anything up from the depths when I feel like this is like pouring molasses -- sticky and slow and I'm not sure if I'll ever be clean again when I'm done. But in the end, it's worth it. Without molasses you can't make gingerbread cookies, and without excavating beauty from the depression, how can I ever make sense of it to find my way out again?
I particularly need them. My depression is rearing its ugly tentacles again, and lights in the dark are all that I have to keep me going. Lights in the dark may not make the darkness go away, but they give us hope. They give me hope, something to tie a string around to carry me through the night. And I need that. My soul weeps for some light, some hope, but I can't find any in myself right now. All I can do is try to set my internal rudder by the compass of those lights which I can find outside. For that reason, I think I will try to leave up those Yule decorations which give off light. Perhaps bringing more lights into my living space will help.
There are metaphorical lights in the dark, too: my husband, music (and singing along therewith), any crafting I can manage. Creating things always serves to shed light, but it is difficult to draw forth from myself anything that feels worthwhile when I can't seem to find anything worthwhile inside myself. Dragging anything up from the depths when I feel like this is like pouring molasses -- sticky and slow and I'm not sure if I'll ever be clean again when I'm done. But in the end, it's worth it. Without molasses you can't make gingerbread cookies, and without excavating beauty from the depression, how can I ever make sense of it to find my way out again?
Monday, December 22, 2008
Yule 2008
I've been writing posts in my head all month, and am somewhat surprised that none of them have made it online. Sorry about that! I didn't mean to take a hiatus, but I guess I did.
I had planned to write a post today about how I broke out of my holiday funk by attending a beautiful solstice ritual. It was going to be a stirring post about the power of hope, the beauty of community, and the peace of freshly fallen snow. Alas, that is not what happened, and thus I can not write that post.
I had intended to attend a ritual at sunrise Solstice morning, in which we would sing the sun up, dance a spiral dance, set intentions for the coming year, and generally have a meaningful solstice morning. In order to do this, I got out of bed at 4am, got dressed, and dragged myself out to the bus stop to catch a 5am bus. When I arrived, I checked the posted bus schedule to make sure that I was on time. With my heart in the stomach, I saw that while there is a 5am bus Monday through Saturday, on Sunday the bus doesn't start running until 6:50. The ritual started at 6:30, and I had no other way to get there. I stood at the bus stop until 5:30, just in case that schedule had been superceded and no one had bothered to change the posting, but of course that wasn't the case. At 5:30 I turned around and trudged back home.
When I got home, my husband (an absolute sweetheart) offered to hike out with me to watch the sunrise at a nearby golf course. So we went out, but of course with all the snow we were having the sky was a solid cloud cover, gray and oppressive, and there was no sunrise. The best we could hope for was a steady lightening of the gloom. I tried to feel spiritual about the experience, but it just wasn't working.
I very much regret not having gotten the release of a good solstice ritual. This is normally one of the holidays I really enjoy, but I feel just as blah and drab today as I did on Saturday. The fact that today is sunny, and the world is beautiful in it's blanket of snow does nothing to alleviate that feeling. I wish that Yule fell after the holiday season ended, so that I didn't have the weight of holiday prep bearing down on me as I try to celebrate the newborn light. Maybe I can fix that. The solstice may be an astronomical event taking place on 12/21, and I did take note of that by getting up early to watch it (or try to do so), but who says that Yule has to be celebrated on that exact same day? I could have a "real" Yule celebration after all of the family obligations are over! Perhaps I will do just that.
I had planned to write a post today about how I broke out of my holiday funk by attending a beautiful solstice ritual. It was going to be a stirring post about the power of hope, the beauty of community, and the peace of freshly fallen snow. Alas, that is not what happened, and thus I can not write that post.
I had intended to attend a ritual at sunrise Solstice morning, in which we would sing the sun up, dance a spiral dance, set intentions for the coming year, and generally have a meaningful solstice morning. In order to do this, I got out of bed at 4am, got dressed, and dragged myself out to the bus stop to catch a 5am bus. When I arrived, I checked the posted bus schedule to make sure that I was on time. With my heart in the stomach, I saw that while there is a 5am bus Monday through Saturday, on Sunday the bus doesn't start running until 6:50. The ritual started at 6:30, and I had no other way to get there. I stood at the bus stop until 5:30, just in case that schedule had been superceded and no one had bothered to change the posting, but of course that wasn't the case. At 5:30 I turned around and trudged back home.
When I got home, my husband (an absolute sweetheart) offered to hike out with me to watch the sunrise at a nearby golf course. So we went out, but of course with all the snow we were having the sky was a solid cloud cover, gray and oppressive, and there was no sunrise. The best we could hope for was a steady lightening of the gloom. I tried to feel spiritual about the experience, but it just wasn't working.
I very much regret not having gotten the release of a good solstice ritual. This is normally one of the holidays I really enjoy, but I feel just as blah and drab today as I did on Saturday. The fact that today is sunny, and the world is beautiful in it's blanket of snow does nothing to alleviate that feeling. I wish that Yule fell after the holiday season ended, so that I didn't have the weight of holiday prep bearing down on me as I try to celebrate the newborn light. Maybe I can fix that. The solstice may be an astronomical event taking place on 12/21, and I did take note of that by getting up early to watch it (or try to do so), but who says that Yule has to be celebrated on that exact same day? I could have a "real" Yule celebration after all of the family obligations are over! Perhaps I will do just that.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Yule stresses
I may love the yuletide season, but that doesn't mean it isn't stressful. In my enthusiasm for the season (and my new unemployment) I have taken on nearly a dozen different craft projects, including making all of my own holiday cards. Any of these projects would be fun and rewarding on its own, but together they form an incredibly daunting prospect. And I swear that I've found a new project to try every day this month! Today it was making surprise balls using crepe paper to put into stockings. Yesterday I was going to make a mom a brand new stocking (her current one is looking a bit ragged). I need to stop. I need to at least finish one or two of my current projects before taking on anymore! But it's difficult. There's so much pressure to make the "perfect" holiday, especially if you are hosting. And we haven't even figured out what we're making for Yule dinner yet!
Another source of stress is, of course, the gift giving aspect of the season. I enjoy the gift exchange -- the way it bonds giver and givee in the cycle of generousity and gratitude, the fun of finding just the right gift -- it's stressful, but in a good way. Or it could be. My husband and I are still fighting a losing battle with our families regarding how many gifts to exchange. We both very much want to cut down to exchanging one, maybe two gifts per person, but our respective parents are less than keen on the idea. And while I appreciate that they mean well, I do find both the failure to respect our wishes and the rampant materialism to be an unnecessary source of holiday stress.
Attending a beautiful Yule ritual last night helped me to get back in touch with the heart of the season -- the turning of the wheel, community, relationships, embracing the dark as balance to the light -- but I'm still feeling frazzled. I need to figure out what I need to do to take care of myself and get back into the Yuletide spirit.
Another source of stress is, of course, the gift giving aspect of the season. I enjoy the gift exchange -- the way it bonds giver and givee in the cycle of generousity and gratitude, the fun of finding just the right gift -- it's stressful, but in a good way. Or it could be. My husband and I are still fighting a losing battle with our families regarding how many gifts to exchange. We both very much want to cut down to exchanging one, maybe two gifts per person, but our respective parents are less than keen on the idea. And while I appreciate that they mean well, I do find both the failure to respect our wishes and the rampant materialism to be an unnecessary source of holiday stress.
Attending a beautiful Yule ritual last night helped me to get back in touch with the heart of the season -- the turning of the wheel, community, relationships, embracing the dark as balance to the light -- but I'm still feeling frazzled. I need to figure out what I need to do to take care of myself and get back into the Yuletide spirit.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Yuletide is here!
With Thanksgiving (US edition) past, it is now officially the Winter Holiday Season (tm). I'm lucky, in that I've never had any real trouble reconciling my celebration of the winter solstice with family Christmas. It helps that my family has never had a religious Christmas and that most secular yuletide traditions are either pagan-based themselves or interface nicely with my spiritual leanings. Evergreen trees, stars, gift giving, eggnog, candles and cookies can all be nicely pagan without raising the eyebrows of more conservative family members!
It also helps that my husband and I have started hosting Christmas (which I am attempting to rename Yule, as no one present is celebrating the birth of Christ), which means that I am in complete control of the setting. I have the opposite challenge from most Neopagans -- my main struggle is not to break away from Christian traditions, but to be able to insert spirituality into the proceedings at all! I would never do any overt, if for no other reason than because it would be disrespectful of my guests, but I do like to make sure that everything is in line with my personal take on the season. For instance, my decorating focuses on greenery and candles/lights, and there will never be an angel topping my tree. In fact, I don't think there are any angels on my tree at all. I am not 100% sure about that, though. Almost all of my ornaments were gifts from family and friends, and thus serve the purpose of reminding me of my loved ones, so I don't particularly care what they are -- for me it's the memories attached to ornaments, not the ornaments themselves, which is most important.
I'm curious how other people merge Christmas and the Solstice? Or do you keep them entirely separate?
It also helps that my husband and I have started hosting Christmas (which I am attempting to rename Yule, as no one present is celebrating the birth of Christ), which means that I am in complete control of the setting. I have the opposite challenge from most Neopagans -- my main struggle is not to break away from Christian traditions, but to be able to insert spirituality into the proceedings at all! I would never do any overt, if for no other reason than because it would be disrespectful of my guests, but I do like to make sure that everything is in line with my personal take on the season. For instance, my decorating focuses on greenery and candles/lights, and there will never be an angel topping my tree. In fact, I don't think there are any angels on my tree at all. I am not 100% sure about that, though. Almost all of my ornaments were gifts from family and friends, and thus serve the purpose of reminding me of my loved ones, so I don't particularly care what they are -- for me it's the memories attached to ornaments, not the ornaments themselves, which is most important.
I'm curious how other people merge Christmas and the Solstice? Or do you keep them entirely separate?
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Stocking up for Winter
There's something very appropriate about stocking up for winter right now. Our first wintr share pickup was two weekends ago, so we have a ton of root vegetables right now. They'll last for a long time, of course, but not forever (especcially since we don't have a root cellar or anything like one). We spent most of today preparing things to freeze, such as roasted butternut squash, some pasta sauce (also made from butternut), rue for soup/stew, and pizza dough (to made pizza using the roasted squash -- we had a lot of squash!). In two weeks, we'll get another share. It's amazing!
Since I'm now unemployed, I'm looking forward to spending more time in the kitchen. I'm planning on making all of our bread and trying my hand at both crackers and tortillas. This seems like the right season to be spending lots of time preparing food, stocking up for winter. It's sort of counterintuitive, since summer is when there is tons of food available and you have to work hard to preserve it, but the early winter and late autumn are the time for puttering in the kitchen. Does that makes sense?
************
I'd like to thank everyone who commented on my post about centering earlier this week. I can't believe that I hadn't thought to try various breath control methods! When I took voice lesson last spring the instructor had us try breathing in for 4, hold for 4, then out for 8. It's quite centering, really.
Since I'm now unemployed, I'm looking forward to spending more time in the kitchen. I'm planning on making all of our bread and trying my hand at both crackers and tortillas. This seems like the right season to be spending lots of time preparing food, stocking up for winter. It's sort of counterintuitive, since summer is when there is tons of food available and you have to work hard to preserve it, but the early winter and late autumn are the time for puttering in the kitchen. Does that makes sense?
I'd like to thank everyone who commented on my post about centering earlier this week. I can't believe that I hadn't thought to try various breath control methods! When I took voice lesson last spring the instructor had us try breathing in for 4, hold for 4, then out for 8. It's quite centering, really.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Black Friday shamanic circle
Through my experience at Twilight, I have become involved with a shamanic drumming circle in my area. Thankfully they decided to host a circle today, despite the holiday weekend. Yay! I woke up feeling decidedly cranky, and was not in a great mood for the majority of the day, so I almost decided not to attend. I'm very glad that I dragged myself out, though. I knew I would be. Getting out and journeying with people -- not to mention the drumming and rattling and dancing -- is a wonderful energy boost. And my two journeys, while brief and not very intense, were at least informative and helpful.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Group Cleanse 2008
I mixed up some sun water when I got up this morning (several drops of orange essential oil, plus a couple of drops each of lemon, rosemary, and geranium and two tiny amber beads in a small spritzer of water) and set it in my southernmost window to absorb the energy of the sun while I was out today. This was for use later in the cleansing I did as part of Sacred Susie's group cleanse for this new moon.
I started by turning off all of the lights and then setting a single lit candle in each room. After grounding and calling on the spirits I went through my apartment counterclockwise with a sage stick while chanting/singing* in order to get the stagnant old energy out. I made sure to get the smoke into all of the nooks and crannies and to linger in any spots that felt particularly stagnant, and I relit the sage at each of the candles. Many spots throughout the apartment did need extra attention. When I was done, I danced with the lit sage stick, watching the smoke billow around me in a rather serpentine fashion. Next, I went through clockwise, spraying sun water everywhere to fill the space with the power, energy, and joy of the sun. There was chanting in this round, too, but I'm not sure that I found the best possible chant and thus have not bothered to include it. I made sure to get all of the windows, so that only good energy can get in. Lastly, I went around (still clockwise) with my rattle to seal the energy in. No chanting this time.
I think I may make this my new tradition for the new moon. Who couldn't use a monthly cleansing?
*Watch it burn
Watch it burn and let it go
The fire frees us
Frees our soul
I started by turning off all of the lights and then setting a single lit candle in each room. After grounding and calling on the spirits I went through my apartment counterclockwise with a sage stick while chanting/singing* in order to get the stagnant old energy out. I made sure to get the smoke into all of the nooks and crannies and to linger in any spots that felt particularly stagnant, and I relit the sage at each of the candles. Many spots throughout the apartment did need extra attention. When I was done, I danced with the lit sage stick, watching the smoke billow around me in a rather serpentine fashion. Next, I went through clockwise, spraying sun water everywhere to fill the space with the power, energy, and joy of the sun. There was chanting in this round, too, but I'm not sure that I found the best possible chant and thus have not bothered to include it. I made sure to get all of the windows, so that only good energy can get in. Lastly, I went around (still clockwise) with my rattle to seal the energy in. No chanting this time.
I think I may make this my new tradition for the new moon. Who couldn't use a monthly cleansing?
*Watch it burn
Watch it burn and let it go
The fire frees us
Frees our soul
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thanksgiving 2008
US Thanksgiving is tomorrow, so I have spent this entire evening baking pies to bring to the family gathering (one pumpkin, one apple, one carmelized pear, if you were wondering). Generally, Thanksgiving is my least favorite required holiday (as explained in last year's post), but this year I'm not minding it so much. I couldn't tell you what has changed, but it seems more appropriate this year. Could it be the new moon? The fact that today was my last day at this job? The fact that I really like pear pie? I just know that it feels right to get together for a big dinner, and maybe even give thanks. I have an awful lot to be grateful for, after all: a wonderful husband, accepting friends, the health of those I care about, a burgeoning spiritual practice.... the list goes on.
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