Held by my Ancestors

Today was a difficult day.  The reasons aren't important, but I was about as conflicted, tired, and tested as I could be at that moment without actually being torn apart from the inside.

I did ancestor work earlier today and still had the candle on their altar burning.  I decided it was getting late and that it was time to blow out the candle.  When I got to the altar I began to sob.  No trivial, polite tears, these were the wrenching sobs of the despondent.  With no forward, no introduction, and no warning they began tearing through me.  I felt myself held by many arms.  As I wrapped my arms around myself I felt them holding me, the countless dead.  As I rocked back and forth I knew I was held, knew I was protected and loved.  I felt their tenderness and cried all the harder.

I am no longer crying, but the candle is still burning.  After I post this I will make myself a hot drink and take care of myself as they would -- with love, comfort, and acceptance.

Ready for 2011

I'm not even going to try to write about my intentions/thoughts/plans for 2011 in a linear fashion.  They just aren't organized that way.  So, without further ado, I give you a list, in no particular order.

• There is no reason why I need to address every single thing that I could possibly do to improve my life right this instant.  While keeping an ongoing list of the little things that I need to do but that aren't life threatening would be a lovely idea, I don't need to implement it right now.  Priorities.
• That said, I need to be sure that I don't focus all of my attention on spiritual and creative intentions -- while those are necessary and feed my spirit, I also need to take care of the "mundane" (I hate that word -- anybody have a good synonym for me?) tasks in order to take care of myself.
• My key word for this year is commitment.  I don't know 100% what I am commiting to yet, but I want to commit to finishing things.  I'm going to finish one major craft project for my house.  I'm going to focus my spiritual practice instead of constantly grabbing new tidbits from the endless takeout menu.  I'm committing to doing sitting meditation every day (more or less -- I'm also not going to consider myself a failure if I miss a day here and there).  I'm committing to doing what I need to do to take care of myself -- eating right (and figuring out what that means for me), getting outside, moving my body, stretching, keeping my home relatively tidy
• There are dozens of fascinating spiritual practices and paths out there, and as an eclectic soul there is no reason why I can't explore lots of them.  But not all at once.  Every hint and nudge and bit of guidance I've been getting lately says to stick to the faery work, so that's what I'm going to do for this year.  Everything I do spiritually will be addressed through that lens.

There's more, of course.  There's always more.  But now I think it is time for me to enjoy my time-honored new year's eve tradition of watching lots of movies.

But first, here is the spontaneous invocation for the coming year, which I just recited after cleansing and dressing my altar.

In the coming year
May I have joy
May I have love
May I have commitment and satisfaction
May I have the unfolding of my deepest gifts
May this be the year in which I finally step onto solid ground and walk my path with purpose.

So mote it be!

Sick, but ok

Greetings from the land of the sick!  I got through all of the holiday mayhem just to come down with a truly retched cold.  I'm still recovering, but am feeling more human.  And I am determined to celebrate New Year's Eve properly, which means with home made appetizers and lots of movies with my sweetie (yeah, I'm a party animal).  I think I'll skip the alcohol this year, though.

Because I haven't been feeling my best I have not finished my 2011 Goddess Guidebook, but that's ok.  I've been thinking about it, I've written a lot in it, and these things are always a work in progress anyway.  I do know what my word of the year is going to be: commitment.  It feels right.  I'm tired of flitting from one thing to another.  I want to feel the accomplishment of having completed something.  So this year will be the year of commitment -- commitment to a dedicated spiritual practice, commitment to start and finish a large craft project, commitment to myself.

Because I'm still sick, I seem to have run out of steam here.  But I will finish explaining my new years goals soon, I promise.

Yule Eclipse, and mystics

I stayed awake until 4:30 in the morning to see the eclipse, but heavy cloud cover hid it from view.  I would love to say that I took this frustration in stride, but it would be a lie.  In fact, I am downright mopey about it.  I did get to see the moon briefly last night though, and again tonight.  She laughed at me and said that there was a reason I couldn't see her last night.  Darned if I know what it is, though.

While awake, I spent some quality time reflecting on what I want from not only the coming year, but the rest of my life (ok, and surfing the internet.  I admit it).  I've been reading Caroline's Myss' classic book, Sacred Contracts and have gotten to the part about identifying your archetypes.  As an archetype junkie, I figured this would be fun.  It wasn't.  The description of one archetype in particular was really bothering me:  the Mystic.  She goes on at great length about how everyone wants to claim that archetype but that once they find out how much work it requires are willing to let somebody else take it up.  This irked me.  Far more than a blurb in a book ought to.  So I thought about it.  And the fact is, for me, I don't have a choice.  I am a mystic.  I hid from it for years, I do a piss poor job of it most of the time, but it's what I am.  I'm only really functional when I'm doing at least three regular spiritual things a day.  I need to be plugged into that energy at all times.  When I don't make that effort I start to drift away from myself -- I lose energy, motivation, purpose....  it's not good.  And I resent feeling like some book author guru is telling me that I'm not what I am pretty darn sure that I am.  At which point it occurs to me that my reaction says more about my confidence in my own power than anything else.  Depressing, isn't it?

Not reverb10, but still reflection

Ok, I am clearly not feeling the reverb10 prompts this week.  But that doesn't mean I haven't been reflecting on the past year!  For the most part, I've concluded that 2010 can dissolve in a pool of acid.  That's a slight exageration, but there are very few parts of this year that I wish to hold onto.  My husband's birthday party. Twilight Covening.  The week-end workshops with Orion.  My recent graveyard work.  Parts of home ownership.  But the rest.... best not to dwell on that.

But 2011 is going to be better!  I'm getting myself on the right track, I'm going to figure out what I need, and I'm going to go after it!  The first step of this, I've decided, is settling into a Serious Daily Practice (tm).  I already have my morning devotions, which I've been doing consistently for several years now, but I need more.  I'm going to get back to doing sitting meditation around lunchtime every day (I am currently trying the So Hum technique, and may purchase the < a href="http://www.goddessguidebook.com/shop/meditations/holy-dinger-uber-deep-zennifying-meditation/">guided meditation from Goddess Leonie), and I'm going to set myself a weekly schedule for other practices that I need to be doing regularly.  Those may shift around as my priorities change, but I want to commit to trying to do a sitting meditation every day in 2011.  I know that I will miss some days, and I know that it sounds like I am setting myself up with a lot, but I feel strongly that this is something that I need right now, and that I will feel better once I am doing it.

Not reverb10, but SARK.

Today's reverb10 prompt left me cold, but I found an interesting "game" on SARK's blog (you know SARK's work, right?)

Transforming What Hurts Into What Helps
Share one thing in your life that's challenging or difficult, and one thing that you're glad about that challenge or difficulty.

Well, the obvious would be depression.  Suffering from clinical depression is inarguably challenging and difficult.  But I think that I appreciate joy more because I am so familiar with it's opposite, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

My current unemployment is certainly challenging and difficult -- feeling useless, questioning my own worth, and worrying about money are not exactly experiences I cherish.  But I'm glad that I'm able to take time to really delve into spirituality and to hand make all of my holiday gifts this year.  And I bet I'll really appreciate the right job when it comes along!

The current cold snap in New England (and elsewhere) is challenging and difficult -- it hurts to go outside!  And I like sunlight and riding my bicycle!  But without cold we can't have snow, and I would love to have a white Christmas.  And the cold is necessary for the life cycles of much of our native flora, all of which I love to bits (especially the sugar maples, which I know require colder temperatures)

REVERB: party

Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

I'm not a big party person by nature, so I don't have many examples to draw from.  But upon reflection, there was one gathering this year that really did rock my socks, and I can even say that I hosted it: the party we threw for my husband's thirtieth birthday.  In formula, it wasn't a complicated affair.  We invited people, made some food, and brought out our iPod dock.  The iPod dock turned out to be a great hit as almost everyone had an iPod and some album or another that they wanted to share, so we had good music all evening without having to do anything ourselves, which was lovely.  One thing that made it special was the attendance of some very good friends who live far away.  We don't see them often, and I miss them terribly.  But that does not entirely account for the magic of that evening.  Neither does the fantastically aged maple mead we broke out for the occasion (we'd been saving our last bottle from that batch for a special occasion, and realized that this was the one).  Mead alone does not a magical evening make.  Many parties have tasty alcohol without breaking into a spontaneous song circle.  Seriously, this was some special magic: two of our friends even demonstrated a waltz! 

In the end, I don't think I could tell what made that party better than all the others.  Like all magic, it can not be explained or replicated.  All I can do is appreciate it for what it was and cherish the memory.

REVERB: beautifully different

December 8 – Beautifully Different.
Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.  (Author: Karen Walrond)

You have got to be kidding me!  You want me to think of things I do that light people up?  Can't I just reflect on all of my terrible qualities and mistakes?  Pretty please......  Fine, I'll give it a try.

In a certain way, I am very innocent.  I genuinely believe in basic human decency, that people are kind and fair and honest.  Whenever I encounter evidence to the contrary I am genuinely shocked.  I don't seem able to be truly jaded, which is sort of uncomfortable in our current culture, but also, I think, good.  I would rather expect people to be better than they are and sometimes be disappointed by reality than the other way around.

I don't know if this is something about me that is "different," but I am very open.  While I may be introverted, I'm not private, and I only hesitate to share my darkest foibles when I fear making other people uncomfortable.  I appreciate the same level of honesty from others, as well -- I like reading the Annie Lamott style of personal essay, with complete gut spilling.

At my best, I'm pretty guileless, which I think ties together both of the above points. The cynics would have me believe that the world is out to take advantage of me, but I honestly have not found that to be the case.  And even if it were, I think that the cost of being other than I am would be too high.  As inconvenient as it often is, I can not pretend to be someone I'm not.  This has often felt like a curse, but I think it is really a blessing.  The fact is, I don't *want* to compromise who I am in order to fit in/succeed.  Ok, that's not entirely true.  Part of me really does want to be able to do that, but I refuse to apologize for not doing so.  I'm tired of being told that I have to be this, that, or something else.  It's funny, but I'm more uncomfortable talking about this than about my depression.  I think most people would be more ashamed of the latter, but it's the former that I most want to hide.

REVERB: community

Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

2010 did not turn out to be as community oriented as I would have liked.  While I did slightly deepen my involvement in one group, I let me commitment to another group -- one which I was already fairly involved with -- slide.  The last few months have seen me realizing that I need to take a look at the communities I am involved in and decide what roles they can and should play in my life.  Not to sound self-centered, but if a given community can not provide the kind of connection that I want and need, why should I devote excessive energy to trying to become more involved with it?  I need to find the right balance.

One place where I did find community in 2010 was in my clan at Twilight Covening.  Although that was a temporary community, I am grateful for the experience for showing me what is possible.

In 2011 I want to find or create a mutually supportive spiritual community, whether that be in blogosphere or in the physical world (though I will admit to a preference for the latter) or even both!  To get a bit more specific, I would love to have people who I spoke with at least once a week.  We would share our triumphs and struggles as we grow along our various spiritual paths, share resources and experiences, and support one another's growth.

REVERB: make

I just impulsively signed up for Reverb 10, so theoretically I will be posting every day for the rest of December.  We'll see how that goes!  :-P  In part, this is because the "reflecting on 2010" parts of the 2011 Creating My Goddess Year workbook I am in process with did not speak to me, and I feel it is important to do some year-end reflecting while preparing for the new year.

Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

The last thing I actually finished was a felt applique owl for a swap, using craft felt and embroidery thread, and it was awesome.    I am currently in the middle of holiday gift crafting, which is very rewarding in some ways and very draining in others.  I love creating gifts that people will love, but there is so much baggage associated with holiday gift giving that the joy becomes rather muted.  And the time constraints don't help!  There are a number of "me" projects that I hope to find time for after the holidays.  I would love to make a quilt for my bed.  I've never quilted anything before, so it will be an adventure, but when I think about sleeping under a quilt that I made with my own hands I get absolutely giddy!  I never tackle really big projects like that, I think it is time to start.  And I would like to make a felt applique for my craft/ritual space, though I'm not sure of what.  And a third project that I would love to do (also for my craft/ritual space) is some sort of faery spirit.  Oh, and of course I've been meaning to make something in which to display ATCs.....

This is why I tend not to get any of these done -- I don't prioritize between them, and since I can't make them all simultaneously I don't do any of them.  That's a bad habit which I intend to break!

Alone on the Mountain

Feeling a bit frazzled and waiting for the plumber to arrive, I reached for one of my favorite books: Seasons of the Witch by Patricia Monaghan.  It opened right up to this poem:

Hera Alone, on the Mountain

From this height I can see
everything.  I watch the day
recede, I watch the light
fade into red, I watch
the brown leaves fall to earth.
It is time to strip to the bone.
Time to measure the worth
of each moment, to catch
the last ones left before night.
Soon enough red fades to gray.
Soon enough we cease to be.

Look there: An eagle rises
as the first star gleams.
Now listen: Far away
an owl's deep moaning song
cuts through the chilling air.
I am standing here alone.
Standing, head back, breasts bare
to the wind.  I belong
to the earth now, the sky,
to myself and to my dreams,
with no masks left, no disguises.

You who would love me now
beware.  I am all fire
and blood.  I have no time
for those who cannot feel
the way through flesh to soul.
My life is now half-gone.
But each night left is whole.
Each day can now reveal
how life is most sublime
when fastened to desire.
From here, all time is now.

Isn't that perfect?   How apt to where I long to stand.  How I want to say "I belong to the earth now, the sky, to myself and to my dreams, with no masks left, no disguises."  How I would love to warn people "You who would love me now beware.  I am all fire and blood.  I have no time for those who cannot feel the way through flesh to soul."  My soul is yearning to be stripped bare, to open wide to life.  And I'm trying -- sweet gods, am I trying! -- but it's so hard.  And it hurts so much.  I don't have a choice but to move forward, but I'm not sure of the way.  I need to have faith in the path, that it will take me there.

Wow, that was a tad overwrought, but it's an accurate reflection of where I'm standing, so I'm going to leave it be!

Two Kinds of Overwhelming

First I was overwhelmed by preparing for Thanksgiving (btw, happy late turkey day to my fellow USA-ers).  We needed to not only get pies baked and deviled eggs deviled, but we needed to get all of our Yule gifts finished to give to the family members we would be seeing, which led to a lot of frantic running around.  I'm glad to have that done with!

Now I'm overwhelmed with something entirely different.  During this past week-end I had energy clearing work and a soul fragment retrieval done by a dear friend of mine.  The energy clearing left me feeling great, but the soul retrieval, while clearly a Very Good Thing has left me feeling a bit scattered.  And overwhelmed.  C'est la vie!  I will try to write a post with actual substance again soon.  But of course I still have some of the original overwhelmed feeling, since the end of Thanksgiving only means that Yule is that much closer, and those gifts aren't going to make themselves, so who knows!

The Weeping Beech

Ahhh, there's nothing like direct orders to get a gal back into the swing of things, spiritually speaking.

While doing my daily candle meditation I slipped into a light trance, which has never happened before.  When I came out of it I had a strong urge to go for a walk through my local cemetery (which is where I do most of my walking) and made a bee-line for my favorite part, an area that is secluded and not as meticulously maintained as most of the grounds.  I was surprised by that, since the paths are rather meandering and I had not realized that there was a beeline path between the entrance and that spot.  Once there I saw a weeping willow on the other side of the murky pond which is at the center of that area, and turned towards it, realizing that I was still in a very light trance, and was being led.  I made it to the tree (and saw that it wasn't a willow -- who knew there was such a thing as a weeping beech?) and found a rather impressive memorial marker next to it, reminiscent of a castle tower.  I made my way under the canopy of the branches and sat down on one of the roots, with my back against the trunk.  Immediately my heart started pounding, as it always does when I'm moving energy.  I sat there, letting my energy and that of the beech intertwine for awhile as I came to understand that the tree wanted to work with me.  I've been missing the apple tree which I was working with before I moved, so I'm looking forward to this new friendship.  I also got the sense that I should be striking up a relationship with the gentleman for which the large and impressive memorial was erected.  I'll try to get his name next time.

Back into the trenches!

As you may have guessed, I was not feeling my best on Friday.  As a consequence, I have somewhat fallen off of the spiritual practice bandwagon.  Since it was largely maintaining a spiritual mindset that was keeping my mood and energy at such a positive point previously, this has not been helping my resilience any, which of course just creates an endless cycle of guilt, moping, and chocolate.  It's not that I have completely stopped -- I'm still doing my morning devotions and my lunchtime meditation, but I was doing more than that previously (remember, I'm currently among the ranks of the unemployed, so I have a lot of free time for this stuff).

Today I finally did a little bit more.  I sat down after dinner and did the Cleansing Life Flow exercise from Kissing the Limitless (I have plugged that book here already, right?).  And I have to ask -- why am I not doing that every single day?  It's all about working through blocks in your personal flow of energy, and what is depression if not a great big hulking energy block?  So I'm going to try to do that every evening for awhile.  And I'm going to try to implement some other suggestions I've gotten.  And I will get back to where I was before, and I will keep getting better.  So mote it be!

So easy to forget

It's so easy to forget that you are depressed.

You start doing something new, you dedicate yourself to some new plan or activity, life gets busy, and you aren't thinking about it anymore.  But that doesn't mean it has gone away, because even though the only way to describe depression uses the word "feeling," it's not an emotion.  Feeling depressed is not really what depression is about.  It's about feeling so inadequate that you hide yourself from even your dearest friends for fear that they'll see the real you.  It's about feeling so much despair about your own possibilities that you bury yourself in television and embroidery without even realizing it.  It's about not being able to even grasp the concept of believing in yourself, because it's such a ludicrous idea.  It's about feeling completely isolated while surrounded by your nearest and dearest and not having the faintest idea how to begin to bridge the distance.  It's about not bothering to honestly tell yourself what you truly want because you know in your heart, your gut, and what's left of your spirit that you can not have it.

And the bitch of it is that all of that can keep going without your paying attention to it.  So you can think that you've got depression on the run, then one day turn a corner and find that it's all still there, carrying on just fine without you.

Or maybe that's just me.

I've wanted to write about depression from a spiritual point of view for a long time now, but never knew just how to phrase it.  How do I explain how it feels to be able to reach out to other worlds, but not to my own?  The pain of sobbing on the floor and seeing my spirit friends watching me with eyes brimming with the sorrow of knowing that they can't help, that this is something I have to do alone and that all they can do is watch?  Not to mention the pain of realizing that no one in the "real" world even cares that much anymore, that while everyone around me has become immune to my pain out of self-preservation it will always feel fresh to me?  And of knowing that even if I did kill myself it wouldn't fix a damn thing.  Some how it would follow me.  That much I have gathered from my spirit friends, but not how.

All I can do is keep struggling, even knowing that I apparently can't win.  I have to keep hanging on to the tiny thread of hope that I'm wrong, that I will someday fight my way clear of this.  Sometimes I even believe it's possible.  But not today.

A Freya Tale

Once upon a time there was a little pagan.  Because she worked with the runes, the goddess Freya found her and claimed her for her own.  For many years, the little pagan worked with Freya.  As she became more adept at spirit work, she saw the goddess less and less, but that was ok.  She knew that Freya was always around, and that she wanted the little pagan to grow and try new things.  Eventually the little pagan never saw the goddess at all, but she still offered her thanks every morning.

After many months of this, Freya came to the little pagan before she fell asleep.  "Little pagan," she said, "You have served me well, but I do not need empty worship.  Do you wish to leave my service?"  The little pagan thought and thought.  She loved her goddess, but with so many other spirits in her life now, maybe it was for the best that she and Freya parted ways.  She went to her goddess and asked her what she wanted her to do, if they stayed together.  The goddess asked, "Little pagan, do you trust me?" and the little pagan said she was not sure -- the goddess was so great and scary.  "I am not what you think I am," said the goddess, "I am not a seductress, nor am I really a warrior, though I have some rule over the realm of death.  I am a goddess of love in all of its forms, but mostly of magic and trance, and I have long allied with the faery realm.  Why should you fear that which we hold in common?"  The little pagan heard the words of her goddess, and asked what she should do to reaffirm her devotion to her.  Freya told her, "Let me teach you.  Every day, visualize my falcon cloak around you to take my energy into yourself."  And the little pagan said that she would do so.

In which I attend a conjure workshop, then clean my house

I spent this week-end at a wonderful workshop on Hoodoo/Conjure, taught by the inimitable Orion Foxwood.  You might expect that I would leave with a number of plans for hands to make and graveyards to visit (which I did! So many plans!).  What you might not expect is that I came home and began to clean my house.  But that is what I did first.  The practicality of the system really brought home to me how counter-productive some of my house-keeping behaviors have been.  I've been living in my new house for five months now, and my crafting and ritual space (aka the place I spend the most time and from which I am supposedly manifesting my magic) remains the only room not entirely unpacked.  And not just unpacked, but a serious disaster area.  It had gotten to the point where I hated spending any time in there at all, which is somewhat horrifying when you think about it!  So today I dragged in another bookcase and moved all of the ritual supplies that had been pushed under my altar onto shelves.  Then I picked up everything on and around my craft table.  There is still a lot of work to be done, but I feel much better already!  It even inspired me to clean up some in my bedroom and living room.

The Labyrinth

When I attended my favorite pagan event of the year (that would be Twilight Covening) I had the opportunity to do some deep work labyrinths.  For those unfamiliar with the spiritual use of the term, a labyrinth in this context is a unicursal path -- unlike a maze, there is only one path and no wrong turns.  It is a powerful meditation technique for approaching your own inner core for guidance and clarity.  I had some fantastic experiences while at Twilight Covening, for which I am truly grateful.

Of course, the challenge when leaving that kind of specializied environment is figuring out how to integrate the experience into you life.  I have been working to integrate the lessons, but how to bring home the labyrinth itself?  My tiny urban yard can't fit one and there is not a labyrinth close enough for me to walk regularly.  There are numerous places to purchase finger labyrinths online, but they are expensive.  Plus, will a finger labyrinth even work for me?

Well, I solved the first problem.  While I can't sculpt or carve, I can felt, and so I have needle felted myself a three dimensional finger labyrinth!

I had to shrink the labyrinth from 7 circuits to 5 in order to make it fit on the base and still have room for my finger, but I think it looks good.  I haven't successfully used it to meditate yet -- I keep finding more spots where the walls aren't quite sturdy enough and my finger switches circuits -- but I am optimistic. 

Some thoughts

1.  You never know if a fledgling daily practice will survive it's first bad day, so I was glad to see that I stuck to my meditation after lunch.  Even though I completely lost track of time and could have been late to an appointment, I sat down with the candle for around 5 minutes.  No, it wasn't my best meditation session ever, but I didn't blow it off.  I showed up, that counts for a lot.

2.  Despite having a kitchen that sends all of my friends into paroxysms of jealousy, I have been subtly uncomfortable in it ever since we moved it.  Yes, it has every amenity I could ask for (and trust me, I am in no way taking that for granted!  I <3 my granite counter tops and my wall mounted microwave!!!), it didn't feel like home to me.  Possibly because it is ultra-modern looking.  I've been meaning to sew red gingham curtains for ages (I bought the fabric before I even moved in!), but still haven't done so.  My latest excuse is that I did not buy red thread when I bought the fabric (d'oh!), but I am getting closer -- my husband and I bought and mounted curtain rods, so I will be able to start sewing as soon as I get the thread!  In the meantime I decided to switch out the brushed nickel knobs on the cabinets with red ceramic, and it looks marvelous!  I felt a bit guilty spending $30 on something so frivolous when I am currently unemployed, but damn it if hasn't made a big difference to how I feel in there.

3.  It finally occurred to me to pre-mix my spiritual cleansing bath salts so I don't have to run all over the house collecting ingredients every time....  Next up, pre-mixing my relaxation bath salts!  I just need to empty out another spice jar, but the cinnamon is nearly gone so it shouldn't be too long.

4.  I am finally ready do a job search spell.  I'm going to a conjure class this week-end, so hopefully that will inspire me to put something together soon.

5.  You may or may not have noticed, but I am unofficially trying to participate in NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month).  I know I won't be able to make every day, I'm going to post here every day that I can this month.

Samhain 2010

Sometimes a major holiday sneaks up on me.  I end up tossing together a quick ritual, perform my pagan duty, and move on with my day.  In fact, I would be willing to state that to be the usual state of affairs -- good with the day-to-day devotions, not so on top of the big yearly rituals.  Or full moons.  But full moons are an entirely different problem and not relevant to this post.  But the point is.... that didn't happen last night when I sat down to do my personal Samhain ritual (I had already gone to a big public one, which was lovely, but I like to do something myself on the day of the holiday).  Sure, I didn't have much planned -- honor ancestors, visit the River of Tears, maybe do a tad of divination -- but this turned out to be far from my ordinary run-of-the-mill toss-something-together say-hi-to-the-spirits-and-move-on-with-life sort of affair.  By the time the ritual was over I was tingling with power, with energy, with hope, and with love.  Brimming with it, in fact.  And while I've had a less than ideal day today, just writing about last nights ritual, remembering that power, brings it all flooding back.

There's not much that I could say about last night's journey work that would make sense, so I won't try.  Suffice it to say that I went on two separate journeys, each of them very powerful.  Instead, let's talk about the divination.

(Alas, there was no way for me to size this such that all three cards were visible and  you could actually read their names.  Or have a particularly clean view of the cards.  Sigh.)

When I began to shuffle the deck, these three cards almost immediately fell out.  Since I meant to draw three cards, I decided that these were them!  I had not yet decided on what sort of spread to use, so the layout has no significance.  Which is fine, since I've never used any kind of a layout with the Faery Oracle in the past.  The cards are (since you can not read the titles) The Topsie-Turvies, He of the Fiery Sword, and the Singer of Connection.  I knew from a glance that these were some powerful messengers.  From my journal, written immediately after the ritual:

Never have I felt so blessed, so affirmed as when I saw who would walk with me this year. New perspectives coming out of confusion.  Magical will and commitment.  Connection and reconnection.  Never did I dream of such august company, such timely guidance, such blessedly good news.  I sang a joyful song of power to anchor myself into this energy, to take it in and let it suffuse me.

I'm trying to hang on to that feeling, to let it continue to fill me with that energy and to guide me on my path.  At the public ritual Friday night I vowed to commit myself fully to my life and to joy, and this outlines the course I must follow to fulfill that promise.

As to the source of this gift (for a ritual this moving can be called nothing less), I can not say.  Was it just that I needed this so badly that the universe was moved to step in?  Or is this the reward for my new practice of multiple daily attunements?  Perhaps, in addition to a greater feeling of wholeness, they are leading to a deeper, more meaningful, easier connection to spirit?  I dare not inquire to closely, but will instead focus on being thankful and making the most of it.